I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
