The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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