So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
