there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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