i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
