I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
