Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
two words: eviction party
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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