Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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