Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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