Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
