oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
