but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
