the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
