cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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