I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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