I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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