There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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