so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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