Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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