Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
