literally had 100 drinks last night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
