so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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