just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
