I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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