i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
