I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
