Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
