Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
