dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
