I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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