I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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