There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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