Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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