I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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