But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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