i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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