In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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