Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
