Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
