when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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