shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
