If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
