guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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