i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
