dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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