oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
