Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
is wine microwaveable?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize