Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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