You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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