I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
