He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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