I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
