1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
