I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
