so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
