Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
