hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
