Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
