It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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