i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
